Friday, April 16, 2010

this state of in between

Do you ever stop and wonder, "What is this life I'm living?" "How did this become me?"? That's exactly what I've been thinking lately. If I were an outsider, looking in at my life, I'd say, "What in the world are you doing, and who are you?"

I'm finding it hard to recognize myself, and I'm not sure how to find who I am again. In high school and college, I was the overachiever. I packed my academic and extracurricular schedules full of AP classes, clubs, honor societies, dance classes and competitions, orchestras and more. I always put my all into everything I did, and was typically rewarded for all that hard work. In high school, I was chosen for various orchestras, did well in dance competitions, and was my graduating class' salutatorian. In college, while I didn't get into my top two choices of schools (which was certainly a major disappointment in my life), I made the best of where I was, graduating in three years with highest honors and becoming a member of Phi Beta Kappa, not to mention making lifelong friends and learning a whole lot.

Since graduating college almost three years ago, what have I done? What are my "real world" accomplishments?

Yes, I have a job, and that I am very thankful for. But in the three years I've been here, I have yet to receive a promotion despite working extremely hard and excelling at what I do. More than that, I find myself craving something new to learn; something more to do in my day-to-day work life. I'm still living at home with my parents, who I am so very grateful to for actually wanting me to stay with them. They are, for the most part, very easy to live with and I love them, but at 24 years old, I'm feeling the itch to want to be on my own, taking care of myself, being more independent. I've dated some great (and not-so-great) guys over the years, but haven't had a boyfriend since college. I miss really being with someone. And I wonder when "the right guy" is going to come along, like everyone keeps telling me is bound to happen soon.

Now I don't mean to sound all "woe is me," because I know how lucky I am in life. Things don't always go perfectly or exactly as planned, but that's life for pretty much everyone, not just me. Over the past three years I have had some amazing and wonderful experiences that I am very grateful for - traveling to Israel, visiting Vic in Puerto Rico, weekend trips to visit friends, my brother and Diana getting engaged, just to name a few.

Still, I feel very stuck in my current state of in between. I've been trying, for quite some time, to make some changes; to do some things that will make me feel like me again. Dance has helped tremendously, but it's time for something else. Should I go back to school? Should I pick up and move? Should I become a nun? (Are there Jewish versions of nuns?) What is the next step, and how do I get the courage to just do it?

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