flashing back

As I was driving into work this morning, I had a very intense, very realistic flashback. I was so entranced in this vision, this reenactment of a past time, that before I knew it I was just an exit away from where I usually get off the highway. I guess while driving isn't exactly the best time to have such a lifelike flashback, but lately, my dreams and reality are getting completely mixed up. I find myself unsure of whether something actually happened, or if it was just a dream.

Today's flashback was of getting off the airplane at JFK at the end my Birthright trip to Israel. Actually, it was first being on the plane. Feeling so exhausted, mentally and physically, that I felt almost drugged. Everyone around me was dozing in and out of sleep, and I found myself not being able to keep my eyes open for very long at all. I found time to write down some thoughts and share those with Rachel and Jeanine, but we all didn't speak that much throughout the long plane ride. So many days running on three-hour-of-sleep nights was finally catching up to us. So many days of learning, of exploring, of overcoming fears. So many days of melting in the desert heat. So many days of epiphanies; of life-changing moments. Finally weighing down on us.

Then my flashback jumped to walking through the airport after getting our luggage; our luggage that had taken this journey with us, thrown around, squished into buses and carrying just some of our memories. I saw everyone's parents and relatives waiting for us to meet them. Most of them knew we were changed from this trip; others were completely unaware. My mother ducked under the flimsy barrier to hug me as tight as could be. She couldn't wait to grab hold of me, knowing I was safe, knowing I had a million stories to tell. Not knowing I would be unable to fully explain what this journey was for quite a long time, if ever.

I think we were all in shock. We went our separate ways, not knowing how to end this trip, not knowing how to say goodbye. We had experienced so much together in such a short period of time, and now it was all over. I hugged my friends, old and new, and walked away. I was exhausted. I was overwhelmed. I didn't know when I'd see these people again - if I'd see these people again. I didn't know if it would ever be the same. And I certainly didn't know if I'd ever be the same.

Now, it's over a year later, and I'm still unsure. I'm flashing back to those memories quite often - not wanting to forget them, but not exactly sure what to do with them either.

reflections, part 3

An excerpt from my Birthright journal: Day 9 - Saturday, June 21, 2008

"Today was yet another incredible, once-in-a-lifetime experience. Ali G., Jill and I walked to the Goldenberg family's apartment to spend Shabbat lunch with them. David Goldenberg was a Rabbi, but for English-speaking beginners in Judaism. They were an older couple with a family friend. They fed us a five-course meal that was really great. We talked and asked and answered and really learned a lot. Also, it was a ton more walking (and sweating). We got back to the hotel after three and a half hours of lunch, and got to swim a little, then get ready for the evening.

We went to Ben Gurion Street which was SO much fun, just hanging out, shopping, drinking on a street filled with people and excitement. Then we headed to a bar/club that was pretty small, but was literally the most fun I've had in a long, long time. Everyone just danced and was dripping in sweat, and it didn't matter. Matt and I tore up the dance floor and just really had the time of our lives. Everyone was just dancing with everyone, and I can't imagine a more perfect night out. Of course, getting everyone to leave was tough, especially since most of the soldiers had come out to meet us, so no one wanted to say goodbye. The bus left without several of our group members, including Rachel and Jeanine. Bev stayed behind to round the rest of the gang up, and head back to the hotel via cab. I was locked out of our hotel room for a little bit of time, but soon the girls made it back, just to leave to go downstairs with a bunch of others. They came back after raiding the hotel kitchen, and I can't even describe the scene of the two of them, olives quiche, bread and eggs in hand, bursting into the room. They are too funny and fun, and we had a fabulous night that I wouldn't mind having every weekend."


This day last year was jam-packed, as evidenced by this excerpt from my journal. I remember that lunch with the Goldenbergs like it was yesterday. It took us a long time to walk to their apartment, and we got lost more than once. We asked someone in the community if they knew where the street was, and they actually knew the Goldenbergs themselves. How nice to belong to a community where people know you by name even several blocks away. Another distinct memory of this lunch was that David Goldenberg called us by our Hebrew names, which was really just a little detail, but meant a whole lot.

The evening portion of June 21 was just as memorable as the day, but for very different reasons. The daytime was all about learning and culture and community and Judaism. The evening was pure fun and enjoyment. The energy on Ben Gurion Street was incredible - so many young Israelis and Americans, just having fun and being together. It was great that we were able to meet up with our new Israeli friends, who had to leave our trip a few days earlier. Really, the bar was very claustrophobic for me, and at first I wasn't sure how much I was going to enjoy it, but once I just let go, and took a deep breath, I ended up having the time of my life. In that moment, I had no worries; I had no cares. I forgot about the extreme lack of sleep; I forgot about my fears. And there was nothing better than just dancing the night away with 30 of my friends, singing and sweating and laughing and living truly in the moment. If I could live that night over again, I would, and I'd do it exactly the same.

reflections, part 2

On June 16, 2008 I had one of the most adventurous days of my entire life. I was in Israel, having already experienced more than I had ever imagined in just three days of Birthright. We began the day visiting a Kibbutz on the Israel/Lebanon border, where we listened to a passionate speaker talk politics. The Hezbollah community on the other side of the fence had houses without windows. We were told they were built this way so they could be easily shot out of. There was no activity in the community - very few cars drove through; no people were seen.

We then went on a water hike - I've never hiked in my life, nevermind through a river, over rocks and around trees. It was a challenge - one of the first of the trip, but certainly not the last. The rest of the day was spent jeeping through the dusty desert and kayaking, which was not so much kayaking as it was floating and swimming down a river. I definitely spent more time in the water than in the raft, but we had a total blast - the boys jumped from raft to raft pushing the girls out, we collided with a group of young Israeli girls who tried to push us as far away as possible, Matt & Adam smoked cigarettes with older Israeli men in an adjacent raft, they swung from a tree landing with a splash in the shallow water. This "kayaking" was by far one of the most fun activities of the entire trip, where we all really bonded with one another - a truly important part of this trip for most of us.


It took us hours to get down the river, and once we made it to the end we were soaked, exhausted and happy. We did our best to get cleaned up, dressed and ready to go out in a very cramped camp-style bathroom/changing area. We had dinner in Tiberias, where we rejoiced to see french fries and pizza, along with the typical cucumber/tomato salad and hummus. After we devoured everything in sight, we went to a nearby outdoor bar right on the water in Tiberias, where we drank wine and danced the night away.


We headed back to our resort-like hotel in Hispin, where we all got into pajamas and sat outside, sharing stories, further cementing our strong group bond. It was nice to be able to laugh together, as well as be serious, having some very deep conversations about Judaism; about life. Matt and I went up to the roof of one of the hotel buildings, where the word "peaceful" could not even begin to describe the atmosphere. Everything was so still, so simple, so perfect. I remember feeling incredible in a truly indescribable way. And I felt an odd comfort in knowing these feelings were shared by and with someone who I felt I had known my entire life, yet was a stranger just days earlier.

In my journal that night I wrote, "I feel happy and proud and fulfilled." It was only the fourth day of my trip, yet I had already learned so much about myself, about my new friends, about community, about connection. And there was so much more to come.

reflections, part 1

One year ago today I was anxiously arriving at JFK, clueless as to what the next 11 days would bring. One year ago today I was checking in, getting my boarding pass and passing through security, unaware of how this trip would affect me. One year ago today I was meeting new friends and reconnecting with old ones, not knowing that the bonds I would form with these people would be life long. One year ago today I was experiencing every emotion possible all at once; a feeling that would stick with me throughout the weeks ahead. One year ago today I was not the same person I am right now.

One year ago today I was on El Al flight number LY022 with the Mayanot 41 Taglit-Birthright group my way to Israel for the very first time, and I was about to embark on a journey that would change my life forever.

the year's end

The holidays are coming to an end, and I find myself reflecting on the past year and thinking about the year ahead. So much happens in the course of a year, and I think we tend to forget about some of the things that occur in those 12 months, or not realize how important and amazing they are. Of course, we have television show countdowns (yes, I watched the top 40 videos of 2008 on vh1), and year in reviews in newspapers and magazines, but I'm talking about the personal things that happen to us. We must look back and try to remember all those little things that we did or happened to us, good and bad. I know it's tough to remember small or seemingly insignificant details of our lives, but I think doing so helps us realize how full and rich our lives really are.

This year, as I've been doing my yearly reflection, I've come to realize how amazing this year really was for me. I've done and experienced so much, and personally, I hope 2009 can even just match 2008 in that aspect. Here are some highlights from my life in 2008:

I went on my first trip to Israel; a trip that has changed me forever. I took trips to Philadelphia, Lehigh, Florida and New Jersey. I traveled alone, with family, with friends and with people who started off as strangers, but have become life-long confidants. I went on dates. I dated. And since 2008 did not bring my soul mate to me, I will continue my dating excapades in 2009. I made new friends, reconnected with old friends and lost some others along the way. I planned, organized and ran tons of events at work. I learned a lot about my job. I learned a lot about myself. I stood up for myself and doubted myself. I helped welcome new life into the world, and watched as life was taken away much too soon. I experienced joy and heartache; happiness and sadness. And all in all, I had a very full year. A year that helped me grow and change. A year that will shape the next year to come.

My hope for everyone in the new year is to really, truly live life. Experience all you can. Learn and grow from all your experiences, whatever they may be. Take time to tell those who matter to you that you love them. Take time to think and reflect on your life. Take care of yourself and take care of others. Live your life. Love your life. Happy new year!

time to reflect

I realized this weekend that I do a lot of self-reflection, and that it can come across as zoning out or being disinterested in what's going on around me. I'm not sure how I can change that, or if I even really want to change it. I am a very internal and reflective person, even if I do talk and write a lot. But I am constantly thinking about a million and one things at any given time. I just don't love to share all my thoughts at all times with all people. And I think that's OK. I think it's part of what makes me who I am.

This weekend I reflected a lot. There is a lot on my mind; a lot I've been thinking about. Yet somehow, I can't seem to get a single thought out of my mouth or onto paper. I think it would be very good for me to verbalize my thoughts and feelings of the moment, not for the sake of anyone hearing it (or reading it in this case), but just to get it out of my head and into the world.

But nothing. I can't seem to sort through all the thoughts floating around all jumbled up together in my head. It feels similar to a writer's block, but more like a life block. Just stuck. Not sure where to go, what to say, how to feel, what to do or how to do it.

Has anyone else gone through a period of time like this?